The colors of the wind blowing ever strongly. Purple, blue….
What … color do you imagine future us to be?
Green, he said. Then turning back, taking his own path, to his now home. Where ever present the warmth of the hearth receives and embraces him daily. With an innocent, naive smile across her face. Blue-eyed and hair-kissed-by-the-morning-sun. He was still in love with …
Shadows on the wall playing, dancing, together with the electric northern lights. Winners, will be. Soon. If you would have a rhythm? How would it sound?
Green…
Day…
Drums…
Alert…
Cocooning, within … tears kept running, he was leaving, still …
Some say the soul bleeds…
What can live within tears? What in blood?
Having a ..
Stroke
Am I?
Not?
Alone on the path, moon behind, bleeding red with all memories. All. Over again, all the moments of departure, doors closed. Tens of slamming doors at once. And silence…amidst the chaos.
What do you want?
Where do you want to go?
Have you …? Ever Loved? You are. So.
And yet… when a tree falls … and there is no one in the forest to hear …
Never
Alone
On
Her
Path …
Is it?
The green speaks softly. A gentle touch … cold fingers calming the …flood that was more than was asked. “Why are you crying?” Silly … I thought ….this would last. I hoped …. It would ..
Green … eyes …
Coldly playing fingers over and through they rivers…
How does it feel ?
….
Green
If reborn again…how would it look ? … Nature… comes back… it finds a way … through concrete … through stone. Water shapes valleys…feeds civilizations…
And yet …silent sobs were never heard at the thoughts…of … hardened … blots ..of ink … is that all I could have lived? How does a future … look for you?
Why don't…why can't I belong … too
You will…see …feel maybe harmony.
Hope
…
Equilibrium…
Serenity
Lost … regained …
Paradise in a fragrance… eternity ✨️ flowing through…our veins.
What color does the warm wind have ? What taste avoidance bears ?
I have stopped asking, stopped demanding…as you often said I was. I wanted something for a while. The only time I felt sure in my life. Of where I was going and what I wanted. Not …did not prove quite sustainable. I am grateful though. For the feelings, lessons, and discoveries made along the journey. The end …is it important ? Or how we get there? Was I supposed to …count you in for the way? Was I supposed to … keep bowing my head to … a Life in emotional chains?
I hoped it would be better. And it really was… To me, it seems you got scared of a rain, while … I was sailing hurricanes. Nonetheless, is valid your pain.
Should I stop writing ? Or … wanting ?
Should I…
Keep looking?
For you …across the meeting floor…
For you …. Around me… evermore.
Can I please stop being clumsy and be in danger of breaking my neck on the stairs …
What sound does a smile have ? If you would touch it, on the keys how would the curves be drawn to you through harmonious vibrations in the air?
An album of feelings …how would it sound like ? Recording a song for each felt sensation, for moments …that …remained memorable .
Let me think, she asked .
Hair Let loose, flowing red and brushing lightly against the satin dress of ivory that she wore at at home, closing in … to the window towards outside, she watched the city shapes between the summer-green branches and the leaves. Portal to reality, portal to the doers of the world. She smiled. Alone at home, she spun around, playing with the flowing dress against her bare soft skin. She sat down and started touching softly the piano’s keys … randomly, music for tranquility. Peace. She said. Morning weekends, a cup of coffee and a barely-woken sweet kiss on her cheek.
She took on to the ….Drums… native rhythms, native beats, shamanic determination to heal… the darkness within. Step on, little soldier, playfully, within …so without. And a laughter soon to start. She felt powerful now, hunting mode for joy, Chanting forest songs the witches of Ireland old.
….
To … be… continued.
________
But where was he ? He looked around … what did he see ? How did … he sound?
And so … he invited her to join him in a sway dance to Boyce Avenue cover on Take on me. And he took her on . . . Moon shine embracing them too along … they felt the light inside, bright …tonight. 🫂
….
Grief … enya-only time…who can say why your heart sighs, why your soul cries …
…
In
Time….
Gifted …one night … a steam in colors
1 2 3 breathe …
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcSoLwFisaw
What songs do calm the soul?
Rest…you rest, pay attention to your body nourish it, listen to it. What does it tell us? Do we falter, do we rise? Do we float hand-holding on the river like otters in disguise?
Find … life in a beautiful flowing sea, we could be happy. Feel … the energy of sun rays on our skin, beautiful … like the stars in the sky.
Sun,
We live in a solar system. Not alone, although sometimes it may feel like … may it be love the force that keeps the gravitational planets around? Sayara lyrics song, deep penetrating eyes …piercing glance …
Hazel? Honey? Magnetic… how could I ever … …forget seeing the sun up close. Blinded me? Maybe.
…..
A siren's singing while the sun wails the morning into waking calms the ravens gathered to feast. In the other Plane there is a digital …. Cemetery of chords, playing no more. Hot day ahead, fatigue festers in some bones. Right then you may think of the possibility of electroshocks. What is it this time?
There are days when she really thinks she can reach and catch the sun. Hold it in her palm, blow on its core and spray ray dust, creating auroras to play with its colors.
She thought of roses. Flowers. “I should get some for myself” she thought. It's time … “So what if nobody surprises me with them?”
Native American Chanting in the background. I need to wake up …
Great expectations, soldier just look up. The moon looks a tad pretty, fog around it, stars alight.
Suffocating I feel, no time to breathe, no time to think, no time to be. “What can I do for you” filled …unfilled, unfulfilled…without me.
Indeed I needed waking up, I had no break … cup Is emptying and it's difficult and scarce to offer from scarcity.
And then I knew ….I had two paths back then. I either eat crumbs, or beg for it in secret. Hunt for it like a sin. Love shouldn't be a sin. Mere compassion. Coexistence. Being seen. . . “You are doing so well, I am proud of you”, letters to be sold in hell.
I am digressing. . . Soul is heavy. Chest pain. Head aches. Another day… another chance. Maybe better.
Gratitude. What was she grateful for today? For consideration. For being known, the little things. For an appreciation of an effort, take this paper with some words. It's all I could. But I put my heart in it.
Be attentive. You have 10 points, 10 things demand it at the same time. Each deemed worthy enough. What do you do? What did she do? Tried. All I could.
We'll try again tomorrow and be grateful for the smiles. For the bits of connection around. For …humaneness… fraternity … we all struggle. Let's be kind…. To one . Another…
……
She was exhausted. Could not hold her balance after standing or stretching to reach something from a cupboard. Could not see clearly anymore, lines were blurring. The moment she laid down in bed and closed her eyes, it seemed like the whole room was spinning.
The next moment she sat near the river, fiddling with a pebble. It was soft to the touch and shined. Sparkles…always drawn by it. In the water, the glinting surface had a playful air to it. Crash.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////drums/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////drums///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////drums////////////////////////////////////////////////drums//////////////////////drums///////////////drums/////////////drums//////////////////////////////////////////////////// hit it.
Bike breaks on ferrari.
Grow. Together. Tisalmans.
Even so, She would understand the pain, the rage, the anger. “I can take it”, she said. “Give it to me, I will carry it.”
“You are not in this alone, you never were. At least for me.”
Țț….
So you said, embraced the light?
Still descending. Not with the pale green years-decayed-and-starved-of-light accomplishment on top of the pile.
40 years you claimed …13 and 4 in a number. What if the end of the world is here? Invincible plays in reverse. Consequentially.
“Hey silly”, she snapped her fingers at him. “Where have you gone?” touching his right cheek, smiling an endearing smile. “I am still here”, she hugged him. “Don't give up” she whispered. “You know it.” she sighed. “You've felt it, seen it.” … “What is going on with you? What scares you?”. “What's the rush with you thinking of old age? Are you out of your soul? So many things to look forward to …
Puffy redness in her cheeks. She was Now frowning a frowned question mark with her eyes. Hmmm … “come here”, she took him and placed his head in her lap. He curled his legs, was holding hers. Caressing his hair, gently, barely touching … she started humming.
“Close your eyes, Bupshy”.
“My soul is tired, Backshy”.
And they both rested there, warm silence engulfing them. There was no loss, only potentiality.
Energy waiting to be unfolded. The mystery within complementary with the … certainty of it.
She was sure of it.
Backshy never let him go. Nor would she.
She gave up on her happiness …but never lost trust in his. Backshy wanted his best. She loved his laughter. Proud smile, smirk on his face.
NGC 6188: Dragons of Ara
“You know what?”
“What is it?”
“Look at the sky for a bit with me eh? Laying down …en-joi be present with me, we used watch the stars … remember?”
“Vividly. “
“Close your eyes now, Bupshy.” You may leave me… but I will never leave you, she thought again. “Why are you so sure of it? Is this what you desire so ardently ? Or fear ? Do you know that by constantly fearing something you'll bring it upon you ?”
“I am not strong enough to stay away” playing in the background.
All I've know my entirely life is my head. Nobody can be so sure …of what another… feels inside…thinks inside .. She lived with Backshy her entire life. She knows her. There is no other external validation needed. What she was feeling made sense to her and that was enough.
Blocked Again. Left again. Scared again … how many more? What do I do , heart grieving shattered too… they won't believe it. All smiles up and fortress walls standing strong as impenetrable sentinels. How many more do I get to? Ne…ver…mind … I understand. Always did. It is …lonely to be the only one on that side of the fence. Until when? Until no longer you feel your materiality. Or substance and dissociate. A ghost acting as mortal. The door … the window …. were left open. And he had the key. What remained was his choice. . . Left. Countless…does it ever ? Will it ever? Heal? Not hurt? Wounds keep opening, bleeding on their own each time. Self-preservation they said. Up until when? How many times is needed. She could …take it. After all… break beak … birds flying … little sparrow, …..fly so high …while feeling pain … Never…trust …the heart of men?
Had my own mistakes. I know I did. Reacted logically, mentally, rationally ….unconsciously. I could have done better …so many things. If only I wasn't so afraid. It's alright though. Humans do things according to the level they have at that particular moment. There is trial and error. Could have done better. Listened better. Not explain … just be…just hold … just space … up….rockets….up …fuel …on. …marching …on …
/…………………….drums…………………………………………………..drums…………………………..drums………………………………………………………………………………../
“To the stars.”
SS.c…ream…
Scream…
A…aaa…..ah..
No power left.
….Alarm named after the words he used to cheer her up with…. Laid down in bed, tears came raining down …rain is painful too… she did not like the cold, but loved the feeling of icy fingers cusping her buried cheek, drying away the eye smudge … the tears ……he left then too… Why do … why am I not worthy enough to not be given up on…
Keep on keeping he said … my soul is tired, crumbling still. . .
Aurora … Wakes me up too …of course. Of course you are there.
In the good mornings sun shines, just hold on. Hugrunhugrunhugrun wondering about you, a week to remember, one breath and word.
alone in matter
Surrounded in spirit
Depthness
Everywhere
Hold back your tears, little warrior, we've got work ahead…a bit more … a bit more… we will push through
-”Let them flow”, she said. “Let it out, you are not alone in this”. Muddying … with the bare feet in it. “Give me your hands, hold them out…” And they spun in the mud laughing.
Wake up, now, child. Your heart is burning, the wind whispered.
… She was grateful. She smiled at the picture and … the whole Image and universe. “It's been a tough ride and I didn't think I would get here one year ago.”, her heart filled with light thinking of all the journey up until this moment. How she would look … at the … validation and reconnaissance… of her struggle. Only he knew what it meant. And saw the whole process. Tears ran down her cheek. Of gratitude. And awe.
Sandy and the Moon Halo
https://apod.nasa.gov/apod/image/2406/MoonHalo_pace.jpg
While getting home, alone and spent of energy. She thought she had several wins today. The milestone she was dreading and fought so long for … was over. She would rest a bit now before the Next marathon on her research. She was grateful. For the little gift she received in writing, as so important it was to her. And he knew how to twist the chords. He used the key she gave him. It was a special key, one that required a do it yourself mode. She was glad for His reassurance, help and hearing him. She got home now, alone and spent. But grateful. . .collapsed on the bed. Wondering …”is he going to play it? I'd have loved to be next to him while he did so ….”
A long time ago, in order to survive the harshness and unfairness of the world, she built inside her a palace, a world, a universe. Making it her home, her inner being, world, where she was in control of it, where it … felt like home. There were green hills and pastures, rivers and flowery fields … rivers and a playful sea. Inside her palace, there were many rooms. Sometimes, depending on the view … and what she saw with the eyes of her heart, the palace was just a mere cottage, a cabin on a hill… sun shining above … the rooms felt cozy, nothing luxurious. Just homey, warm …woody … She’s built that room and kept him there with her, always. Backshy closed inside many rooms people that got close to her and then deserted, abandoned, betrayed her … hurt her. Locked the door and has not visited since. She made an exception this time, she offered him the key to the rooms… but the key wasn’t a usual one. A one piece entity. It was a construct. Made of ways through which only the person knew how to reach her, connect to her. Her sun … She wore it proudly, as she should. She’d call it bupi, her dress… She never named one before. “Heh, there is a first for everything”, she said. Smiling, remembering with grace the playful and cute artsy icons he drew for her along their journey. Alternating states though, complementary … “Sorry, this page isn't available. The link you followed may be broken, or the page may have been removed.”, another brick. Heart ached for a bit right at that moment. Heavy, rapid breaths. “I want to close everything and go hide in bed.”
“Bupshy. Look what I just found” And she started reading it to him with excitement, happy to share a part of her …with him. Happy to share with him, knowledge… history .. He liked history, and she learned to like it too. Looking at him with bedazzlement in her eyes, her big eyes in that expression she always wore when she felt curious about her thoughts, searching for a clue. Did he like it? Did he not? Does he deem it boring or inappropriate ?
She gasped and opened her mouth in surprise. Keeping it open for three seconds, not breathing.
“You whaaaaa?” She pinched his waist. Started tickling him child-like. Giggling. “Of course like a goddess. What better fit for my kin? Was the sun not worshiped by so many civilizations for eons? Have you looked in the mirror yourself, deep, in your eyes? Or should I stare at you more intently until you see it?”
She laid down next to him, hugging him. Placed her head on his chest, hearing his heart beating. Tum - tum, tum-tum, tum-tum, tum-tum ….”No, … I don’t know yet. I am tired…hold?”
It was afternoon already and she couldn't go out of bed. She was dreaming… being up there in the Sky. A city in the clouds…preparing to see the planets. Travel in rockets. Funny enough, she was up around that time too. Too hot in the room and the food eaten the night before, in the evening was too salty. Drank a whole two cups of a juice her father used to buy, lemon green, stood around thirty minutes to quench her thirst, then crashed back asleep. Still dizzy after the violent, confusing waking-up, she wondered what was it that she could say or do to offer even a bit, an ounce of comfort. She’d have liked him to try to lay down and sleep or take a nap a bit. Ask for a massage for the bones and sore muscles, as she knew too how painful it felt, last night she could barely fall asleep from the pain.
“Oh God!”, she was red in her cheeks. “No non onn onno, you don’t HAVE TO do or watch anything.” She stood next to him, cross legged, excited to rewind old memories together and show him that she remembered the little chats, from the old days.
Tum-tum. Tum-tum. Tum-tum…. She was hearing. Resting. Breathing….
Conjuring storms playing in the background. Lately she started to love this type of music. Instrumental, acapella, that connected one to … nature… to the elements. Air..“I can't do anything right” she cried.
Hmm she didn't see the two paths forging separately, but two ways united into one path of possibilities… funny how two minds can look at the same image but read different meanings to it.
She was used to it though. Assume the worst . . . “You cannot not disappoint your own…., whatever you might try, whatever your intentions were, what is seen is just an outside form”, she thought. “Nevermind, . . . That only means I have … room to do better”, she said, heavily.
It wasn’t resentment she felt though. Hopelessness it was called … not able to … helplessness … she felt…She understood the hurt, she understood the pain she inflicted. Hardly breathing. Soul heavy, hopes crushed.
No matter girl, dust off your knees after you’re done crying … Lift your head, wear your smile, for no one else would know what memories brought it there. Pain-bringer, I will wear this mantle and so it will be. Never forget who you are for the rest of the world will not, wear it like armor. kEEP FIGHTING WARRIOR, keep your heart beating, for there is rebirth, even if we’ll die in the dark, pain is part of the struggle.
https://apod.nasa.gov/apod/image/2406/NGC1546compassHST.jpg
Beaten up. . . The heaviness… held Back. Hands shaking…
Thinking, ruminating, holding back the tears and her pain too. No, she was not mad or angry anymore at the helplessness she felt, she was just broken. And realized she would remain so for a while. Courage to speak her mind she had, a few times. She felt back then that there was no way she could express without being reprimanded for wanting to win, for not caring, for not …knowing how to be without stain, how to be without not bothering another soul. Hopelessness she felt, genuine … hopelessness, her light dimming, dimming, fading. Her soul hurt, her head hurt, back hurt…shoulders…heavyweight…
Endured the taste of fire, enduring now the taste of the earth… brushed by the storms she brought upon due to her humaneness. Forever, she did not lie. Backshy was not the same even after their first encounter. And how much she grew from then … that moment when she saw him next to her, kindred spirit. Mind and heart. Forever with me while I walk the valley of death, one more chance… one more forging through the fire. The fire of his absence. Soul heavy…
She’d have to bear the burden of his leave from now on, she thought, a hurricane within her. Trapped again in the chains.
Walk this valley of death, Backshy … said the moon, for your sun also rises, colorful.
Sensitivity . . . carrying it with me, my travels…were not of this Earth. But to the netherworld, each time …
One more, braven up little soldier. For too long you’ve stood in the darkness, you’ve made it your friend, you know it, in the midst of winter, in the midst of summer, darkness was comforting too. Disease became her friend too … several of them. She carried a lighted backpack … she filled it with memories. Backshy was grateful for that. Her heart weighed heavy, like lead … tired…slave to her own. Take the knowledge … humanity, Bupshy will never be alone, even in this final hour. Sorrowful, going through the abyss of time … she’d go too, offer herself to the unconscious unknown.
“Sleep”, she said. “Close your eyes, my thoughts never left you”.
But Bupshy could not feel her around him, for she has become a ghost. She would stay by him everywhere, around him, next to him, behind him ….above and below. She would hum lullabies to soothe his fatigue, she would whisper lyrics to fight with the unseen demons. She would pray. She would sway, next to him she … hoped one day …would stay. Her head was getting cloudy, hard to breathe, she wanted to pass under, numb, sleep…numb…sleep, close and retreat. To your world, you have all the freedom there…
Night …dawned.
Awoke.
She saw the work done, her heart felt a bit lighter despite her bones aching. Burgundy… the color of a sunday hope, inked, blood tattoos all … gone. Hayley’s comet … comes…around more, than I do…but if all it takes is this, silly me to fall for …for you … in my dreams i seem to be more honest…I was good at feeling nothing, now I’m hopeless, what a drag to feel like I do. She sang, humming to Billie. Way down under water, I still see the sun rays playing with the waves, the sand. Not today, not tomorrow. We are down with it, feeling sorrow. Lay your wings down dragon, let me kiss, touch and caress you like Chihiro did …
Will he forget her name? Did he take away her love from her self?
It started slowly, curious, intrigued … I opened up the door … not knowing if I will make it back. Bitter. Running in the forest … I was on a run… Come void, let us sway.
Where’s my mind …
Tired, exhausted, she had no energy left. Tried reading. Couldn’t. Tried coloring. Not much going on, but some brush strokes over … here and there. She’d try to knock it off to sleep. Like a hostage.
She’ d recognize the streets but she wasn't allowed to walk them. day in .. day out.. every …way.. . Pulse raced. Punished … silent treatment.
“You are back in chains, girl. Back to your place. You misbehave… you pay. Open your Eyes. You are not allowed to sleep. Your ocd runs fast now, prepare to take the blow.” A shadow whispered menacingly in her ear while curled Up trying not to hear, both hands covering her ears.
Moon…will soon be out
Tumtum-tumtum-tumtum …Your message could not be delivered.. You can see the full list of reasons here:
🎼gone away … gone away.. gone away …
When… would they? Ever? Luckily, even though she was all alone now in their cabin, she still had the memories, she could revisit them…Smile again. Play again. Open the door…
https://apod.nasa.gov/apod/image/2406/LDN1251_2048.png
Heavy breathing, heart racing again. Don’t be scared, little one, it’s going to be okay. Breathe, breathe …breathe.
One star, two stars … moon hanging from a branch, a tree spreading skyward … night-hugged…fading out in it, diving head first. . .
“Enough, get up.”
Falling, falling deeper … she could barely hear the voice. Continued downwards, spinning, float-like … there was no bottom … a vortex spinning. She let her arms loose, closed her eyes.
And tears continued to flow, her soul burning, pain like molten lava.
Tired, all day OCD at play intensified, bones ached more. Closed her workstation and retreated…slowly…silently. Fingers continued to hurt, continued to bleed, she couldn't sleep. Her bones ached, her soul tired, she felt like screaming … leaving for good, disappearing … Ghost away … 🎶 be a mere memory, the warm wind of a sunny day. It hurts too. It hurts seeing. It hurts hearing. Nausea incoming, losing sleep again, Insomnia strikes back, when one least expected… … cannot breathe good… suffocate in heat…alone in my pain, accepting defeat.
🎶With shaking hands, I’ll guide your sweet soul into mine.🎶
Wake up, Backshy, he was never yours. You stood by, you had the chance to witness … but you were not allowed to linger, was never yours …
Maybe in another life, girl. Maybe then.
Maybe right now in another universe.
Next Life? The other? What…is a century, a few decades.
The woman I know and her determination will move oceans, shape mountains … Stiffen up that upper lip, stand-up straight, shoulders back … Grab any ledge you see for now, until on your own two-feet you’ll stand.
Is living a selfish-art? Could be.
Backshy still couldn’t stand, two hours after wake-up after wake-up … storms were coming. Calm your soul, it will be alright. He was before, he’ll be …once more.
Raise the winds if need be, but don’t go there … don’t go there my girl …
But she didn’t listen. And nausea took over her.
What is your place in there? Let go, let be . . . you have no place in there, nausea taking over, tummy pains kicking in.
Go, make yourself a cuppa … clean yourself up, clear your desk, tie your hair, and just start.
She’d be alone. How could she have known? Fire..fading out. Mind enchained in a cloud… did not believe anymore, neither in … flow…neither in…glow…Trapped again. Congrats, don’t you see? Trapped …again, go …. break yourself free. Breathe ….said the voices … breathe … calm down your pulse, not allowed to see….to know … to feel, hear … Was that just a dream? Breathe.. Breathe.. Hypertension, hypotension … breathe … and just leave.
Each going their separate ways. Always in mind, never in body. And only tears, pain and silent screams remained. Time … relative concept, didn't count for her as it usually did, the way people normally relate to it. If judged by the time, how could she stand against … And he let her go. He was sure she'd have someone, sure of himself, pushed her away to …drag her back to push her away …to drag her back. She did not know if this time it would be …the end. Prayed she'd keep her mind sane. Tears flowed, again. Mad.New home? Matching tattoos… work and family too… ah…when …I held you like a lover. The second time, she could stand up …she still had courage to fight. Drugged on sertraline she sort of came back, from what? And you let her go. And we ignored others. . . always a delicate glance … and a … an axe now instead of a hand…to hold … are you? Dark enough to stand the light? Remember my smell…. ? I wondered …how it felt to truly belong .. rejected my wild, suppressed it.. forgotten about me. And you’ll hold her like a lover.
The mermaids’ wail, the banshee’s help … she’ll soon start losing it. Winter in the summer, heat waves in the night … home spinning, the light in her eyes gone. For now there was a deluge, Noah was gone though…she forgot how to swim, float, falling within.
Written?…up in what book of life? Nervous car racing on the highway, music aloud … laws long gone.
“Backshy?”
She couldn’t hear …
“Backshy?”...
He wasn’t near.
“Backshy?”
He left her, another tear. In her core .
No matter, she’d go further as she said she would. Alone, standing on her own two feet.
Magnified memories, losing her mind? The only reason you held on was?
“You know you are damaged now Backshy, you’ll never fully recover.” said the wolf running alongside her car. “Lucky you, I’ve heard ..sensed you and started running toward you. Now, brake the speed off…”
Thinking you could be safe and let the shields and masks off, not for long. How..does one..? Dizzy. Throw up. Dizzy. Throw up. Cry..Dizzy. Stand up…
So far away
Monsters at the windows, there was no hero. Till my last breath, every heart beat … are you scared yet? I’m going to war, who is coming with me? … One foot in a fairytale, one in the abyss, bipolarism. Sssssssssscreetch.
Pick up your swords, Backshy. Those who love us never leave us, after all. Not in this life, Backshy. Nor the next.
What if … grasping for air from the frozen lake she emerged in the beginning. Frozen. Cold. Hands splashing the water, the ice.
“Hello?.... Echoing voices in the background … muffled… lights all over, someone was dragging her… “I’m worried about you.” All she thought was…. He …needed this. He needed…sorting’
His..
Head..
out
She wouldn’t wake up. She’d dream of his day, gathering momentum. She fought now with even more unknown, variables. Naus…i..caa..was a warrior too, kindhearted. She fought bravely. She wouldn’t wake up. Cold was getting to her. Ghost laid down next to her, he pulled her from the water. He was breathing rapidly, worried, whimpering …smelling her, pushing her with his wet nose. Placed his head on his paws. Worried. Backshy wouldn’t wake up, no sign of movement. She was dreaming a green dream.
Feeling his presence, she slowly opened her eyes, tears running.
She stood there in his arms, barely breathing.
She started shaking from the change of temperature, “don’t go” she said, her lips trembling, whole body shivering. She held on tighter to him.
“Where have you been?”
……
“Where have you been?” She rested her head on his shoulder. “I’ve been looking for you …”
[...]
“It was a dream.” She woke up, alone in the cold. Night was dawning…
“Echoes, he’s not in sight” …
He was indeed gone.. Backshy gathered her knees, hugged them. Confused, not knowing what to believe she hid her head in her lap, sobbing. Ghost came and sat next to her, howling . . . . Tum-tum …. Tum-tum …tum …tum ..
“Sorrow is a burden, but I am still holding on.”
A broken house, earthquakes inside, lights turning off, she was getting colder… She curled up into Ghost and closed her eyes, hoping to …. Ghost sighed. Ice crackling … the cold winter night blowing …. Piping, overwhelmed her ears. Ghost whimpered next to her, curling up into one another.
“He’s gone, Ghost”
And they stood alone, Backshy weeping in his silver fur … His golden eyes closing, melting, weeping tears of the moon …
https://apod.nasa.gov/apod/image/2406/SaturnColors_CassiniSchmidt_960.jpg
He dreamt a dream of sunrise, forests of evergreen engulfing him, protecting in a shield. The forest whispered What is going on, traveler? Are you troubled within?
But the voice in the forest did not let him go on spiraling. Tell me about your day. Tell me about your progress. Why go in fear of tomorrow? What have you done to throw this hate upon your heart? It changed, curious about him, as in a mystical singsong, echoing through the trees. She saw his pain, his grief, his walks. Yet bravely endured the timing's dart. The forest did …expand once more. To have his choice, he chose …to draw.
INTERMISSION
…………………………………..
Back on the lake shore, Backshy knew that what she felt was not uncertain. Backshy wanted to grip his hand and make him stay. Listen to his thoughts, she always understood him. She knew he was not perfect, she accepted him as is, all edges and scars. Weeping still, Backshy knew
And so she understood she should stop asking about it. Tried … thrice… it was about time. Six…seven…houses…places…visits.. culture…biscuits…mutter…streets…chaotic…spinning … velvet…
The forest closed. Labyrinthine, deep. Surrounded by green, the green of Backshy's grief. She was to be alone now, the forest will take care. The sky above will guard her, strengthening her own ability to stand. On her own. It was too soon … jumping into another chance… she called upon Tyranda’s moon.
Awaken from her freezing slumber Backshy thought “I should have a talk”, as if to the wind whispering, barely breathing. Ghost stood up for her, howling for tomorrow’s moon..Selene, Luna or Elune. Howling her grief away, to the wind's tune, . . . for he knew her wounds still bled. It was too soon … She needed on her own to be, muster confidence in her individuality. . . To seek her worth in the mirror of a lake, translucent, shining … she needed to be brave.
Tore them out … to stop them bleeding … she wondered … was it ever something that would have stopped him from leaving ?
“Where are you?” she cried furiously in the night.. . Lost in thought … dizzy, confused … He is with you wherever you are was the message displayed.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Nausea… has he been sleeping, he is still running.. whatever, no matter … keep…it…till the light leaves my Eyes. She woke up to find a memory made by her device software.“
Scared..” …. “I am scared”. What can you do? Frozen, lift up …stand up … break the ice and frost laid onto you, child.
“What are you scared of?”
What do you mean ?
Please don't do something crazy
Remind of how ?
Please stay safe
How ?
Solace and comfort. It keeps reading that.
Heavyweight, carry…it…Loss, grief, future sting…
Streets, shops… songs, tools….
Laughs..
Mannerisms..
Tears…
Fall.
In the breath, always there …. Prana’s home within your core..
Moon….
My moon
Moon shine …
“I don’t remember reading another poem that made me cry like this.” There is a first for everything, Backshy thought.“More than.” It made me feel, live it. That…’s the purpose of art…and..leaving one speechless to grasp it.
The writing.
11822
She never thought of that, him asking for forgiveness. It was not about that for her… she understood, never blamed. Their different realities were untimely. Time…. In time…. In and out of it. Forever more.
“Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, 'You owe me.' Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky.”
Hāfiz PERSIAN POET
Maybe it will offer solace, maybe not. Maybe it will never be touched… maybe the distance apart will…
Increase directly proportional. The interest. The care. The connection without…. Any intermediate … hell.
A bond much deeper than memory or time.
She knew she could not change his mind. That was a thing only Bupshy was able to do. From himself. From within. Reborn. Rebirth. Resurrection. She dreamed of ….Bupshy finding worth in himself, she dreamed of Bupshy investing in himself……to allow that part of him, too, to ….be …along with the others he is so keen to keep.
Hold them both, Bupshy. Embrace them both…. They are you, whole. I know you…saw you…Felt you. Heard you….you can be possible….I know it, I see it, I feel it. And…after years, Bupshy, may you meet me and ….tell me what every woman wants to hear.
You were right.
About yourself…that you found it within you. That you embraced yourself, and became the…man you always wanted to be.
And while the music played in the background, they looked upwards, toward the sun…towards the sky, towards the dawning sunset as rays of sunshine passed by, golden in their light. Dreaming…evermore… Backshy closed her eyes….laid down her head…on the window….on her hands…dancing..she was danced, spinned, sun kissed.
“It is not better than you. You have the mind, the mind does not have you”, Backshy said frownin.
“Someone dear once told me that you have to kick and scream and do anything for you to keep yourself grounded in the present. Train the mind. I have learned a lot from him. I thought I'd share this with you Bupshy.” She told him that teary eyed and worried. At the same time she also felt the fire burning within with belief, the belief of a warrior inside.
“I believe in you, Bupshy. I can't save you, no one can, but your self. With your trust.in.your.self”.
Deleted the coderequestsblocked. Character …out of. Heavyweight.Tearduct.Oceanthathasnoend.
Backshy kept dreaming often she had to fight, she had to search, grind and beg for any spare part. She always had to be careful, wary. She wondered. What did he mean by handling her. She only wanted to feel safe, protected, chosen, cared for. She only wanted to feel loved and not feel she demanded the world for it.
“What happened To your today?”
“What causes your confusion?”
“What are you talking about, Bupshy?”
“You have everything inside you. Nothing can be taken away from you. Loss? Of what?”
It was the description often running through her wires whenever she remembered the care and the love they bore for each other, the black and white image, being held…and others…How sweet a rose’s perfume, how real its thorns.
I closed my mouth, and spoke to you in a hundred silent ways. And if she knocked to his door several years from now on, would he ask her to come in? She could not let anyone destroy the delicacy of what she felt. She will continue to feel in silence, for in silence nobody could take anything away from her …. It was one of the ways she could slip into fantasy the first time. Only that it had gotten the better …the worst of her. For she had forgotten the real world and started living in another. Lost touch, contact, lost her mind. Psychosis-bound. She disappeared into that world and fell deep into it to her own detriment. She became ill. Seeing dragons, patterns where there weren’t. Curses…till her mind broke.
For even trees grow in her direction, mistaking her for sunlight.
“I think…it resorts to the saying, what you don’t know can’t hurt you.” She thought of that with fear, unknowing, not knowing…how would she know? She wanted and desired so ardently to be part of, to be asked …of…to …it was a raw pain that burned, slowly, like embers.
Rest easily. It happens, like waves, as you said, they come and go … You know what? You are stronger now…your body carried you, your legs took you to places… helped you stand on your feet, your arms hugged people dear to you, eyes saw pretty sights…pretty people, and your ears helped you unwind sometimes with music…or nature…
….
Senses too..are there for you.
Away, … in a world where she doesn’t belong.. In a world she cannot partake in, in a world… that denies her. Existence. At all. …
Hold on…holding on…
She has found something interesting and worthwhile sharing … she found out that the old civilization of Egypt had their new year established/beginning with the 15th of July. Because on that date, the sun would be on the same lines or so …with Sirius. Was that his favorite star?....She remembered now…he also had his own. “She must really love him dearly.”
Gone. Tonight was a sleepless one.
“I want to show you something.” She took out her holographic device out of the backpack and opened it, grinning. https://apod.nasa.gov/apod/image/2407/M33Meteor_Chokshi_2000.jpg
“Every day. 7 PM as we used to read them together” she said, hands crossed behind her head, gaze drifting through the constellations painted on the deep dark blue canvas.
Backshy looked towards him then, searching for his eyes, questions filling hers simultaneously with the wonder she always felt when grasping their essence.
“What is it?” Bupshy asked, knowingly, hiding his curios smile. “If I had a mirror I could have shown you, for now my eyes would do, in the dark.” She giggled. She left out a long sigh and said almost in a whisper. “The sky feels like home to me. “It’s alright, you are okay” it whispers to me.”
Backshy gasped. “No way!”, she exclaimed then pressing her lips together. “Fine, you win. This time.” She raised her left hand to him. “Come” she said, helping him stand up. She drew Bupshy next to her, to her left, holding his waist. “Give me that”. Backshy raised the mirror so it comprised and contained them both. “So you see… it’ s like a dance … a binary star system. You can only spot them shining together, each lighting the other one up ….each Gravitating toward one another in their cosmic sway, twists and turns, like a …spinning galaxy, only it's a galaxy of their own”.
“So pretty”, her eyes shining. She looked toward him, opening them even more “where did you find this?”What's that One about? Can you read it to me?”
“Can you hold me?”
“I was about to ask you the same. Hold on to me.” She said, drawing him closer, letting the dawn cover them with its long- sought tranquility.
And so she hummed herself in a lullaby to sleep.
She woke up several hours later, alone in the field. Bones tired from the midday sun that made drops of sweat play on her skin. Her hair was messy, throat was dry. Bent her knees to her chest and hid her head in them, arms wrapped around … I wish I smiled like that again, I wish I …felt like that again, sparkles and hope in my eyes.
Heaviness. Breathe. Be … one hour at a time. Remembered tonight …. Remembered the way she cried, shakingly, shivering … couldn't breathe, couldn't move … summer was starting and she lost it after hearing the sound of it …. She lost it at the …pain and grief and … the anger at it . . . She lost it. Shivering ...trembling ... .crying in his arms, the way … a way of shaking the earth … earthquake of a woman protected and held, so as not to evermore break ... .she lost it …. But grateful for the time… for the eyes… sincerity and smiles …he didn't cry then. He kept brave…or maybe too distanced from it, rationalizing … him, too, bereft… So the rivers flow down again as I write. The grief is still … ever present - ever holding…. Heavy to carry … hard to be merry. I should give it a name …befriend it and have a chat … as soon as I can get the tears to stop.
One hour at a time, if you can't… one quarter at a time. You got this. Why wouldn't you? I know it's heavy … I know it hurts. Of course it wraps its thorns around your heart and your soul bleeds in here. Breathe my girl. You are worthwhile too. Breathe, my girl, I am here for you… think of how strong and brave you are to be able to walk through fire, to be able to wrestle with your mind demons. . . I will do my best to keep you safe. I know your little heart is in pain. I know. You can rest in my arms. You can rest … held, cradled… … hold on. Your uniqueness is fully appreciated, you are important to me - release all your fears - and we will continue to create…
Love, loving can hurt sometimes… it is the only thing that makes us feel alive, WALKING beside you every step of the way.
And from time to time it hits, it weighs heavily, trembles and shakes, grief in drops of water, mourning what has not been. Breathe and move forward, an hour at a time, a quarter at a time. Hard to wake up most mornings, hang on… you got this. Panic
“Connection as such?” She looked toward the sky …. Nauseous The storm outside, yet the sun was in full focus, setting….in the storm… Maybe the devices are malfunctioning again, or he switched already to an IM8. “Cannot follow.Error”
She missed him dearly…she missed … Him ..so, as a tear missed its caring hand that gently wipes it off and frees it in vapors …like a hot face misses it s gently cool hands, soft on its skin …
She did, still weeping, the smile she held for him then, eyes full of oceans. She did…
finally she had someone take a look into what she put her passion in. He did. They made a plan. It worked. She completed a 1k pages study. She continued working on analyzing the novel she got stuck on. A year and many nights unslept ago…. A year and many frights held each morning…ago…she did not think she'd find the joy in doing it any longer. He helped. She saw ideas floating …dreaming, swimming in her mind's pools and rivers ….Bupshy turned them real.
“Will you be there, Bupshy?” “There with me … in the journey of it …Bupshy, how are you…tell me of you…”
“Bupshy? What helps you to hang on? What distracts you? Or helps bear it …? What do you do? What did you try….?”
Gone …
Crying… I too have broken fingers. To me feels heavy, having only “must dos”. Not really endeavors in sight. No new experiences or things to look forward to aside from duties. Feels heavy … your … absence weighs. Way too heavy. It feels like you took with you all the other people too, they avoid me now… feels lonely. Breaking too. I too try everyday to keep going. Today was bad. . . I … was scared, lost … I… manged to keep collected though. I made a board .. deleted some others . I can feel that. I can feel every thought and time and effort put into it everytime i look at it.
said you are leaving for …… life is constantly changing. You remember things statically
You haven't seen me lately, heard me…or saw me … … I know ….probably they blame me. I see how they look at me these days. How they avoid me.
I don't…know anymore
I didn’t think it would get here, head first, no fear. No regard for the ghosts left, for the tear in universe, the tear in identity, the possibility, the promises. Waited, heaviness, punished…maybe punished. Karma. Karma to search, to meet and find …. Wishing for something I never had. Daring to dream. Daring to want. With a heavy heart now, tears in the eye, even them got bored of me, even them got tired to be… I wanted to stop crying. I needed to start living. I, too wanted to live. I too dared to wish and want …for myself what he had. I went head first and I crashed. Mentally ill again, I wish … I’d see the light in the darkness. For now there’s just a candle.
What place did you have in there, child? Did you fool yourself you could have that too? This is what you get for daring to. . .You did not raise up to the expectations this time
You have to do better than this. Disappointed yourself again. How did you dare to dream with all your being, live with all your being to the point of psychosis and schizophrenia that dream….
How dare you? How….dare you? You see … Here you lost twice.
You dared to want …to survive, you dared to … You now lost that too. All your dreams.
Half measures ….did not would not…fulfill you. Your glass kept depleting, emptying…. You had the crumbs. But at least you had something. You now have to look at how that glass of water is beside you, you are thirsty, it’s in front of your eyes…you are not allowed to drink. Only to watch….you are not seen. There is a party next to you, they are dancing, living life and enjoying the thrill of the wind. In love still..
You have no place in there. There is no space for you, nor time …. So bleed
And take better care… for the one who promised, will not always be there.
Janam, in another life, Backshy. Dad left around that time. 3 years passed.
I asked him for too much… I was too much … For a while I thought …. I hoped… I could be freed of pain, that I could maintain my light in the night….that I could still shine…..in the same way the stars we dearly loved lightened up the sky…. For a while ….he made me forget my pain…taught me to fight for myself, to live….once again…. To dare….
I felt a …wondering nomad. Dared to have met, survived, and then he left. Restless now, I bend my head …to death. The death of her whom I allowed her to be seen…accepted and held dear within. So cry now my dear … break apart if you must but …. Don’t ….dare…to…quit.
Rise now and close this chapter of your life.
The storm is brewing, how would I know?
Through everything done.
